Chapter 250, Writing a Diary from Scratch (VIII)

A new life begins with brilliant glory and a bright future.

Whenever I think of my bad behavior, I always feel that no matter how much I did, it would not be enough, but I didn’t do that because he hid the truth from me.

I had originally planned to have him act as a maid at the sports festival, but as I calmed down, self-blame started to creep in. I felt like I was becoming less and less like myself, and my expectations and dependence on him had expanded to an unspeakable level.

This is a very unfamiliar feeling for me.

I have lived for nearly thirty years and never thought that anyone would live their life centered around me. But I greedily wanted to control more.

Soon, under the threat of the maid costume, he confessed to me, potato chips actually seduced him? I should have discovered that I am not such a careless person.

After the regret, a kind of inexplicable grievance arose in my heart. It was obviously me who was wrong, but I actually felt wronged.

Maybe it was destined as early as this moment. I began to hope for someone's tolerance, someone's understanding, and someone's indulgence.

It was a really wonderful feeling because I had no fear at all that he would give up on me.

I don't know why I am like this. Has my indulgence in her character quietly affected me? I don't know the answer, and I can't control my willfulness.

Yes.

I actually started to act willful.

The appearance of that girl named Yamamoto Yurina was the first time that I was awakened. I would leave one day, and this big boy would become another girl's patron saint, start a family, marry and have children, and become a real man.

I don't object to it having its own young love, because that is something I never had.

But I still can't help but hope that he can stay with me for a few more years and pay more attention to me.

He will definitely meet many outstanding girls in the future. Will he still remember his former...friend then?

So when he came back for the first time with traces of another woman, it was like a blow to me. I panicked and felt like I was going to lose something. What I experienced over the years has left me with a shadow. Whenever I think I am getting better, fate always gives me a heavy blow.

He is such a gentle and kind person, it is not surprising that some people like him. At least that is how I see him.

But this time it was different, the meanness in my heart broke out again.

And I sincerely hope that this girl came with a conspiracy, preferably a conspiracy worse than my own.

I understand.

This is envy.

Especially when I saw the girl's true face, she had a plump figure, fair skin, beautiful looks, was lively and cute, and came from a wealthy family.

This envy becomes more three-dimensional.

But I'm not happy for him at all. Don't ask why, maybe Renata is just a bad girl, she's just unhappy.

Zhuo obviously knew this girl before me, and they must have more memories between them than I do.

And her eyes seemed to be able to speak. Even I couldn't see through them, not at all.

I was still sitting in the car at the time. Her eyes were shining, as if they were burning, or as if she was declaring war. The messages she conveyed seemed to be what she wanted to convey to me actively.

"I have already fallen madly in love with him, and he will soon fall madly in love with me too."

She never showed any malice, but I still didn't like her and I had already found a reasonable reason for it.

This girl is really amazing, so amazing that it surprised me. She used the lip prints on Zhuo's collar to tell me that Zhuo was completely defenseless against her.

I turned around and left without hesitation. This is probably the most unnecessary thing I have ever done...

Along the way, although he acted like a pitiful puppy, this behavior made it even harder for me to calm down. What was he pitying about, and what was he waiting for?

It was this expression that prevented me from even trying to find an excuse to beat him up.

Although I won't show it, I feel really aggrieved.

How could there be such a bad person like Utsunomiya Shuo in this world? Before getting off the car, he was still asking me if I wanted to give up the cocktail party. It's only been a short time since he left, how could he come back to see me so easily with another girl's lip prints on him?

Does this mean that he is ready for my departure, that the role I originally played in his life is about to be completed? But isn’t the time too short?

I kept persuading myself, and I knew that I was the one who would leave sooner or later, but I was still angry, and it backfired. The more I gave in, the angrier I got, and the more I stepped back, the more I felt at a loss. This was the best description of my psychology at the time.

I was really angry, more angry than I had ever been before, so I didn't want to pay any attention to him at all.

因为我已经装不下去了，我想狠狠地揍他一顿……可即使是这样，到最后还是在他坐在课桌上，偷看别人给我写的情书时吃醋的表情下泄了气。

Because I have no right to be angry. He is not wrong, I am the one who is wrong.

I believe Zhuo's explanation, I must believe it.

Because if I were to doubt even him, then my life would be too miserable.

So I trust him.

It was this trust that made me almost cry when I heard him ask me in a joking tone, "If he and I fell into the river at the same time, would you laugh at me first or save him first?"

I can't answer this question.

Reason tells me that I can't possibly choose him, but it would be too cruel for me to give up on him.

Zero helped me escape from hell and gave me a new life. I can't abandon him for my own love.

Not at all.

If I did that, not only would I look down on myself, but I'm afraid Zhuo would not like such a bad woman.

But I obviously can't just give up on him.

Completely emptying my confused mind will make time seem longer, and I feel like I am dead when I am trapped in this small space.

I should think, struggle, and make a decision, for him and for myself. But when the past and the future are linked together by such a question, I only have a moment to think, because this is a dead end, an unsolvable situation, and we will all be imprisoned and completely trapped here.

But he misunderstood this silence.

I couldn't open my mouth to explain anything.

I thought this would make him angry and disappointed, and he would gradually distance himself from me, but I didn't expect that he would forgive me again, take over the burden lightly, and actually solve it.

Yes.

I see it.

He chose this remaining year.

After that day, I was in a daze all night long, temporarily forgetting the so-called past and future. An inexplicable impulse came out of nowhere, urgent, eager, and like a relief.

I found the solution to this problem almost without thinking.

I want to give everything to him.
Then die with him.

(End of this chapter)